This would be the final part of the mini-series. So in this part, I would like to share with you, the aftermath of the divorce when it actually happened. It actually didn’t end well. To know more, you will need to read the rest of the story.
If you missed out on the previous part, you can click here for part 1 and click here for part 2. As this is a mini-series, you will be brought from the starting part of the divorce up till this stage.
After the divorce
After several months of battling at the family court, it was over. Finally, I eventually got what I wanted. My parents were divorced. It seems that God has answered my prayers. (It seems like it) I felt like both of them were holding on to the rope. The harder you clench your fist on the rope, the more hurt and damage it will inflict to your wrist. When the hand slowly loses its grip, the bruise starts to get better. When the hand releases the rope completely, the hand starts healing and becomes back to normal condition. So, now they have released the rope and both of them will start a new life.
I still remember that day, I went into the shower and while the water was running, I asked myself this question. “Is this what I really wanted?” (Being in the shower and getting all this revelation is actually kinda cool!) It’s always in the shower where I can think properly. Probably because I’m relaxed and calm.
This question really sticks in my brain for quite some time. I feel like it’s being in a relationship where initially both parties who just broke up may feel that they haven’t realized that it’s really happening. And once it happens, they will start to cry, maybe regret, or have some flashback on the good memories, etc. The break-up hasn’t really settled in yet and both of the parties are in a denial state. Until one fine day, things aren’t how they use to be and then the reality will slowly kick in.
For me, it felt like at that moment, I actually felt regret. I blamed myself for the divorce. It’s like I wished for it and it eventually came true. Then I kept to myself this belief that I was the one who caused it. I held this belief for over a year or more. And trust me this was a very bad decision for me. Who would have thought that a wish of mine would come true? (Was I really like the special one that my prayers were answered?)
Every day would be dreadful to me. It’s painful to see that other children could be really happy with both of their parents whereas mine was broken. I felt shameful. At that age, I didn’t know which friend I can share this with. I was also afraid of being mocked. It’s like a blow to me. I lived in a constant state of fear.
I had to bottle up all the feelings in me. This was also the time that I kept quiet about my family matter. Whenever someone would share their day with their family, I would just be at the side, listening to their story. Sometimes, I’m so scared to hear the question. “how about you, Iskandar? Did you have a great time with your family during the weekend?” This would be a red alert question. Time to act like I never heard it or just reply with a fake answer. Which I would say “Yeah, it’s great.”
Have you read about the psychology fact that people who smile the most of the happiest ones are usually those with the saddest past or something like that? Yeah, it kinda makes sense now. I was generally always happy in school. I enjoy seeing other people happy. Personally, I think that if I’m not happy, I should do my best to make other people. I will do my best to at least make them remember that it’s a good day.
However, as much as I think that I am making their day happier, I’m actually annoying them. But that’s how people usually remember you right? Such an example would be like if someone were to ask “who is the most annoying person in class?” Guess what? I’m sure they will remember me. Yeah, it may seem like being famous for the wrong thing. But hey, someone does remember me. But deep down, I always hope that people will remember me for the good things rather than the bad.
In the end, my mother then told me that she would take me along with her. We would need to move house and the current house would be sold off. All these happen before I was enrolled in secondary school. Once I was enrolled in my new school. I moved house and was living with only my mother. That’s the end of my mini-series and I hope that you benefitted from it somehow or maybe took something with you.
What I have learned
Looking back, I learned that people, be it friends or family quarrel about some things that they can’t agree on. (That’s a no brainer) That’s also my point. When both people quarrel, they don’t see that there is a middle place that both can meet and agree. Yes, when we are angry we would not be thinking straight. Most likely we are thinking with our emotions rather than our logic.
This also brings me to another point. When a heated argument occurs, no party would really listen to the other. It’s always I have a better point than you, so I should bring up my own points and shut you down. That’s what the other party is also thinking. What happens if they have the same thinking as that? An argument that will never end.
As I grow up and get exposed to relationship videos while scrolling through Facebook or Instagram, one good video if I’m not mistaken is a video of an old husband with his old wife. Well, if they are still together over so many years till they are old, there bound to be a secret or something they practice to make sure they stick together till old age.
How did they grow old and still be with each other? What they mentioned was that when one is angry, the other one should listen and vice versa. Being angry and letting out what the person feels although not pleasant, is actually a form of communication as well. Our job is to listen to the other party’s complain. Listen and understand. Once the other person cools down, create a safe space where discussion is welcome. This is not to arise any other form of anger again.
Everyone has their bad days and we have to give and take. If every day is a bad day then something is really wrong somewhere.
They also mentioned that their love life isn’t really rainbows and sunshine. There were days that dark clouds come BUT the dark clouds do pass by and when the sun shines, a rainbow will form. It’s through their dark moments they had made them stronger.
I also listened to a podcast or a video that goes something like this. For every good day, there will be bad days. It’s the bad days that make you appreciate the good days. And if we were to reconcile, then I guess the relationship will be stronger?
I’m in no way that great either in a relationship. I have my ups and downs. But I will keep on improving myself for the better and take all the life lesson from others and apply it to my life.
I have learned that some of the decisions we make may be based, in my case, is on the television program. Now, I didn’t know if that was the right or wrong decision. But since I was influenced by that, I thought that was the only solution.
If we are influenced by all these programs and at an adolescent age, don’t you think that the program we allow our young ones to watch should be reviewed?
In a way, young ones should also know that life is part positive and part negative if we show them positive programs, the young ones life would be thinking everything would turn out so great all the time.
Maybe what I think is that at that point in time, I see things at the surface level. It’s like an iceberg. Below the water surface, which I don’t see, is actually where I should start learning to understand that there are underlying problems that have caused this.
It requires a mature mind to explain what is really going on in life. That these things do happen and it happens because of a certain reason. Sometimes, it can end up in a happy way, or it ends up in both living their separate way.
The other lesson I learned is that when two adults have decided on divorce, I think the ones who will suffer are not the adults, but rather it’s the children. I think that this divorce has done its damage to us. We don’t show it but deep down, I think we are all saddened by the news.
There is this post in the forum asking the opinion of others whether this particular person should divorce the other person. As I read on, many members asked whether they have any children first. The reason is that divorce may cause a psychological impact on children. As an adult, I think that we are mature and have been through many life experiences. However, as those young ones, they are inexperienced.
I believe that my parents have made all these considerations before making the decision. I know that it wasn’t an easy one, but they had to do it.
How you can apply this to your life?
In a heated argument?
You have to take this golden rule and stick to it: When one is angry and the other one should be listening.
Before you start pouring out all of the harsh remarks and all the bad point of others, I want you to pause for a second. Close your mouth and keep quiet. Instead, open your ears and listen. Try to resist the temptation of opening your mouth.
Next, listen attentively to what they say and try to understand them. What is it that you have missed out? What is it that they have been wanting to tell you, but they are afraid that they may hurt your feeling. Seek to understand others first then to be understood by others. Understand that these angry comments are a form of communication as well. Don’t take it too personal. It’s not trying to bring you down.
After understanding the concern of others, now try to digest and see how both of you can meet halfway. The only way for both of you to be happy again is – to make sure that you both didn’t bring forth a solution that will make yourself feel bad. Both of you must walk out of the problem with a smile on your face. Give and take. But don’t give too much and take too much.
Your decisions are based on peoples negative beliefs
Sometimes the decision you make may not be based on your values and thoughts. For example, the decision I made was based on a television drama. What I would suggest is that if possible, we should seek the opinions of several professionals and ask how derived on the solution. What was their deciding factor? Also, make decisions when you are calm, relax and able to think neutrally. Don’t make decisions when you are angry. You will soon regret it later.
I hope you enjoyed my story and what I have learnt has brought some lesson to you. If you enjoyed the story, I would appreciate it if you would help to share this story around. It could benefit those around you.
Also, if you think you have learnt another lesson other than what I mentioned, do leave a comment below. I will be most happy to read it and learn from you.
Are you from a broken family as well? Share with me and I will be glad to listen to you as well.
With that, I wish you a very good day ahead! Peace.
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