If you have read my previous post, you will have the idea that my parents relationship weren’t going that great. And when things aren’t going that great in a relationship, the next thing to do if there isn’t a solution, would be to break up or in my case, divorce.
I also have told you that in the Chinese drama that I used to watch every day has scenes where married couples divorce when things don’t go out well. Surprisingly, this event happened in my family.
I remembered when the clock strikes around 7pm or 9pm, I would rush to the living room and sit down to watch my favourite Chinese programme. I forget the title of the show but it’s regarding about some family and love related story. I really enjoyed the programmed so much that I would never miss an episode of it. Since it was broadcasted in the evening to night time, I had the opportunity to catch it. My school usually ends around 5 – 6 pm or earlier.
At least I had this programme to look forward to each weekday. It wouldn’t be broadcasted over the weekend. So you can imagine that I would wait anxiously for the next Monday to come to catch an episode of it. Usually the programme will last around an hour. I get to spend time with my mother and my brother as we are watching the drama. To be honest, the drama back then was really great. The plays were full of emotion and overall it is much better as compared to now. Probably the writer and the director had better ideas in the past, or it all become repetitive that once I watch any Chinese drama now, it wouldn’t be as interesting.
Anyway, since the drama is about family matters, they will always show the happy side as well as the sad side. There will be days that I would be happy, sad, angry, disappointed and even crying. I experienced all the emotions on one programme. Though what I realised that amongst all the drama I watched, when things get rough between a couple or a family, they break off. Usually, there will be a tension between both of them and in the start they would be tolerating with each other. Until one day, when they couldn’t take it anymore, they would just let it all out.
Wait, isn’t this similar to my story? Yes I agree with you. Trust me, I am not making this up. This drama, actually plays out in real life too. As real as it is, it is happening to my family. When I was younger, I thought that maybe what the drama was showing was the correct way to handle when things get rough. When there is quarrels going on, the best way (in my young mind) was to have a divorce. This is what I see in the drama. And probably this is the best way.
There were several occasions that I was in the toilet with the shower head on, I actually went into deep thoughts. I was collecting all the bad memories of my parents quarrelling and unpleasant moments. I actually used the logic of the Chinese drama and thought wouldn’t it be great if they both were to divorce. I mean that would be the best decision right? (Pardon my narrow minded thinking)
Each time, when my parents were quarrelling, I kept repeating those thoughts. It some sort became like a chant. I was repeating that in my brain most of the time. I was thinking like when can they divorce already. I couldn’t take it seeing both of them quarrelling, it sort of hurts me seeing people hurt.
It’s not a really good spot to be in during that phase where the relationship is going sour and as a young kid, I didn’t know what to do. Well, after that quarrel where I witnessed it, I think both of my parents decided to change their status to separate at first, it wasn’t divorce yet. They are still together, but I think they are giving each other space to think and consider. Basically, the relationship was complicated. During this, my parents slept at separate rooms. They weren’t communicating much with each other right now. Can you just imagine the air around the house? I don’t know how to explain it. Just feel so weird and I felt so awkward. Like what is happening? Can this end already?
I forgotten how long was my parents separated for. But it felt quite short to me. I’m not sure of the exact duration. But I believe, my parents actually did consult a mediator to discuss about the issue at hand. I want to believe so. Maybe after some sessions, both of them can’t come into terms, so they chose to divorce instead.
During the divorce
I think this is where things got super real. I think for a while, it seems that life is normal and I’m going to school like how I should be. I make it seem like nothing is going on at home and just hope to see another day. There was several occasions where my mother would randomly sit beside me and asked me who would I want to follow. I’m like what? Who do I want to follow? What’s happening? Now I must choose either one and I can’t choose both? (Such is life, where you will need to make a decision to choose one and let go the other)
My mother told me that she would give me time to think about it. Personally, I think whoever I follow doesn’t really matter. I try not to make the other person be the cause of my failure. For example, It’s like when things don’t go the way I plan and I would be upset and angry, and who would I blame? I would blame others. I would blame my mother for not doing her job properly. I would blame my father for not being patient. The blame list will go on and on. But what benefit will it be. I was so focused on myself that I didn’t care who to follow.
On other days, she would ask me again, if we were to divorce, who would you follow. I was getting bored of this question. Since it was asked frequently. I have school to focus on and this kind of problem is not what I need at that time. But nope, life doesn’t care whether you have exams, it will come to you at anytime. The best time to come is definitely when you have so much on your plate that you can’t handle and say hello to life. It hits you like a brick.
She even dropped me the question like what would happen if we were to be divorced. Honestly friends, I was still young and my mind was blanked when asked this kind of questions. I didn’t really know what’s true relationship is. I didn’t know much. All I knew was I had to go to school and do what I’m told to do.
I’m not sure whether I answered my mother’s question. But I think she had to make the decision for herself. I think if we are below 12 years old, I think we are not mature enough to really think about major events like this. It’s just like whenever there is a school trip or an excursion to science center (Oh, I love going to Singapore Science Centre!), there will be an indication at the bottom of the form for parents’ consent. That would allow the school to bring us to wherever they want to bring us.
Even though I was young, and our brains are still new and fresh, my brains were not so fresh. I was forgetful. I would leave the consent form in the bag and the next day when the teacher asked to hand it up, I would need to do the mission impossible. I think everyone has done this at least once in their life which is to forge their parents signature. I did that because I didn’t want to be left out and we were going out of the boring lesson to go on a trip! Now that’s fun!
Back to the story, I think the reason why my mother keep asking me was that it’s because that she too was unsure of what is going to happen. And this was probably her major life crisis too. After being married for ten over years, it has to come to this. I guess it wasn’t easy for both of my parents too. My mother didn’t really force me to choose her or restrict me to choose over my father. She allowed me to make that decision by myself. It feels good that at least my opinion or my choices does matter.
Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised even if I had to follow my mother since I was the closest to her. So technically, my opinions wouldn’t really matter much, but I think she wanted to reassure herself that I wanted to follow her. I think she did share with me that she was going to make her trip to court to settle all these matters. I’m not sure of the procedures or the process of divorce (Not that I would want to know of…) But I think that it took probably quite a few days or hearings for this to settle.
Oh not forgetting that my mother also asked me, whether is it ok for me to go to court to inform the judge on my decision. But it didn’t happen. I couldn’t imagine the stressful situation where every one would be looking at you. From my thinking, court is always in a serious kind of atmosphere. I didn’t like that. She also shared with me that she is going to fight for the custody of the children, and maybe alimony money to take care of us.
Again, I’m not sure how long this took. All these were not in my capacity to really understand and I just go on with my own life. But I believe that it was very chaotic between my parents like they have to go back and forth. They have to go through this phase while still working. I just can’t imagine how is it like to juggle all these matters on hand.
That’s all for the first part to this mini series, the second part will be posted soon. So stay tune. Do subscribe to my newsletter to catch and not miss any of my new blog post every week!